Deciding to separate a marriage and a family are among the toughest decisions a parent will ever face. Not only do parents have to consider their own emotional needs and how to best cope with the changes of a separation, but they also have to contend with a raft of psychological and behavioural effects on their children.
Just as adults deal with a sense of loss following a separation, children also struggle with feelings of grief as they come to terms with the changes in their family unit. Depending on the age of the children involved, parents can see an array of reactions that signal their child is grieving or having trouble adjusting to the changes after a family separation.
While an emotional, psychological or behavioural response is perfectly normal for children to display after such a significant change in family circumstances, parents need to keep a close eye on these symptoms to make sure they don’t have a negative impact on the children in the long-term. If parents notice these signals persist for long periods of time, or notice that they start to interfere with the child’s everyday functioning, it’s likely that the child needs support from a professional to help them to cope.
Is Your Child Coping?
In very young children under the age of 5, parents may notice that children become more clingy and cranky, or that they appear to cry and be distressed more often. There may also be a change in sleeping or toileting habits, along with regression in language.
For children between the ages of 5 and 8, parents may notice changes in behaviours across a number of settings. This can include changes in school performance, disobedience towards family and teachers and becoming more hyperactive. They may also display emotional signals like nightmares, increased anxiety or anger outbursts.
In slightly older children between the age of 9 and 12, parents may see changes in sleeping or eating habits, increased defiance, reduced resilience to everyday stressors and increased anxiety and anger.
For teenagers between 13 and 17, parents may notice longer periods of depressed mood, heightened anxiety, erratic mood swings, social withdrawal or difficulty dealing with the demands of daily activities.
Remember – children don’t have the same array of coping strategies or communication skills that parents have, which is why they often display how they think and feel with behaviours. Even when parents manage a family separation perfectly, children can still exhibit signs that they are having trouble adjusting. It is important that parents don’t blame themselves, or the other parent, if they notice any signs of difficulty.
What to do for you child;
Pay attention to the warning signals and work together as co-parents to address issues quickly,
Talk to your child about how they think and feel and try to understand their point of view,
Give children the gift of your time, providing them with opportunity to share their feelings and thoughts,
Let children know that they are loved and cared about by both parents, and demonstrate your respect for the other parent,
Remember that recovery from family separation takes time, and allow your child to move through the process at their own pace,
Seek professional assistance from a GP or Psychologist if you are concerned about your child’s ability to cope,
Work to cope with your own emotional responses to the separation so that you are calm and steady, which will improve how your child copes,
Make sure to focus attention on establishing a functional co-parenting relationship, which will improve the psychological and emotional outcome for your children, and
Know that you need to try and understand your child’s point of view and feelings so that your parenting decisions can be based on their best interests.
It is also important for parents to know that the psychological impact on children of continuing conflict between parents after a family separation is greater than the effects of the initial shock. With this in mind, it is important that both parents work together to support their children if they notice any difficulties adjusting. Even after a separation, children require continued attention and affection from both parents to help them cope with the change, so working together as a co-parenting team to support your children will be of great benefit.
While effectively managing a separation in a manner that is positive for both parents and children is challenging, it is absolutely possible. If children are struggling, seeking outside support can be very useful to assist parents to support their children to navigate the challenges of a family separation. While children often require additional help to cope, it is important to remember that young people have a remarkable level of resilience to cope with change and will often achieve very positive outcomes when given appropriate support.